"Two-legs" spend too much time playing computer games. A good way to get their attention is to take over the mouse - after all, it's what cats are for!
Purrs to all,
Ivy
FROM: Ivy, 12/17/09
•• This is how you take over the mouse
Hampering or dealing with unresponsive humans
It has been noted in studying my humans they have been paying entirely too much attention to a machine they call a PC. I have tried sitting in their lap whilst they play with a keyboard and thingy called a mouse. (Of all things!) Then walked across the keyboard while in use and was promptly deposited on the floor and admonished for my inconsiderate behaviour.
After due consideration it is now my conclusion that setting on top of the monitor and just staring at them for long periods of time accomplishes a much better result. Instantly I am treated with warmth from the offending object they stare at for hours and eventually rewarded with phrases for being a good kitty receive generous amounts of love and special treats.
Take heed my feline comrades, humans are so very easy to train if you know the meaning of patience.
Yours in consul, Sir Felix the Third a/k/a/ FeeLee
FROM: Sir Felix, 07/29/09
•• Lie on the monitor and stare at your human for hours!
How to get rid of billies
Hi, my name's Tallie and I like to help my human, Morgan, get rid of evil bullies. We give them the stink eye!
Tallie is very smart, and whenever you tell her to do the stink eye, she does that face. Haha, she's amazing and very cute.
FROM: Lady Victoria, 07/02/09
•• My famous STINK EYE! ...and my human's not so famous ditto : )
Primary Feline Advice;
Always remember humans have many functions, among the most important are to feed us, play with us, give attention to us, and to clean the litter box.
They can be taught many more complex and useful services such as grooming and sleeping arrangements to name a few, additionally they need to know basic rules involving our care and be constantly aware of our needs.
Humans can be taught quite easily if you start early and are consistent in your training routines. Rewarding them occasionally with affection by purring loudly and rubbing ones whiskers or tail upon them will further motivate them to become more subservient.
Do not be afraid to punish them with a low growl or well placed paw (claws extended) if they err in training. Above all never forget that it is extremely important to maintain one's dignity when around humans so they will always know who is the master of the house and universe they reside in.
FROM: Lady Victoria, 07/02/09
•• Me! ...and some other cats
Not really advice, but a great story!
Hello!
I was just 1 motnth old when Evi found me. Someone set me on a flowerbed to die. I had a very sick eye and i was also underweight. Evi took me to to the docktor and since then I stayed with her.
The docktor said that i have to have a surgery to survive. They needed to remove my left eye. Evi gave a premision to do that operation and keep me as a friend. Time to time Evi cleans my eye but mostly i can handle it myself.
I was found on 14th of July, 2007. Sience then my birthday is on 14th of July cause nobody really knew when i was born.
Nowadays we are best buddys. We play together alot. My favourite toy is grey mouse. If Evi comes from work i'm very happy. Together we have been through many obstacles. Thanks to Evi, i have wonderful and lovely home and family.
Love, Pupsik.
Estonia, Parnumaa
FROM: Pupsik, 07/01/09
•• The clothes drying rack can be a great place to sleep!
The perfect moment : )
Remember – when the humans are taking pictures of you, they are focused on seeing how cute you are – not on what youre actually doing. This is a great time to attack their face for giving you a flea bath or any other unfortunate occurrence.
•• And this if for giving me that horrible flea bath!
When in need of help...
... just do what I do; look cute and helpless. It works every time.
Practice your look of helplessness in front of a mirror. Or just copy my "helpless expression" - see photo. I also master the "art of cuteness" to perfection.
When you look like this, those silly humans will do anything for you. ANYTHING! They are sooooo easy : )
FROM: Stanley, 08/04/08
•• Study and learn: The look of CUTENESS!
•• And here: Cute AND helpless.
Share their clothes!
While the humans are away the cats will play!
Dillon
FROM: Dillon, 03/30/08
•• Dillon, what big paws youve got!
The bed: Teach your humans which is their place
Hi everyone!
My name is Miu and I'm a Spanish cat. I live with my humans at the beautiful city of Salamanca, and as you can see, I live very well... see my round (full of food) orange belly? All thanks to my efforts training my humans.
Today I'm going to teach you useful lessons about the bed.
If you want to sleep in a comfortable bed, the first point is to be the first. When the evening reaches a reasonable hour abandon the salon, so your humans start to wonder where you have gone. A bit of concern doesn't harm anyone.
Little time after, they will show through the door to feel relief when seeing you. Of course... I've gone to get the best place in the bed. Where did you think I was going? You have deprived me from my liking to cat-girls. *Snorts*
Second point, is to choose strategically the place. The choice depends on the effect you want, a corner or low part if you want to share the bed with the couple of humans, or in the middle if you want just one of them.
Getting the bed for you alone is a difficult task, human beds are too big to cover it all with our paws. In the first option both humans will arrange themselves around you (be aware they don't knock you over to the ground while moving the blankets). In the second option, the first of the humans will throw himself in the bed, leaving the problem to the second.
Third point, you must have gone slept (or at least pretend you are). Now it's very important to be the most cute kitty in the world, see the example photos? With the previous concern, this leaves your human to feel truly guilty for removing you from the bed.
If you follow well this steps, in a few days you will win your rights to have a place at bed, and your she-human sleeping in that damned cat-basket instead of you. The he-human is a bit tough to train, but nothing is impossible.
Got it? ;)
FROM: Miu, 03/25/08
•• Tactic of the sleeping cat. I have the tip of my tongue out to make it more believable, while I watch through my almost closed eyes.
•• Here I'm making the cute kitty. Notice I'm spreading tail and paws to occupy as much bed surface as possible.
Those human moms should learn FROM US!
How hard can it be to have only one kitten??
FROM: Miw The Queen, 03/15/08
•• Amateur!
Supervise your human
Make a lot of noise until your human slave picks you up and carries you around, while you tell her she’s doing a bad cleaning job
FROM: Paris Hilton Wikrita Wheat Wine, 02/19/08
•• This is how I help my human slave clean the kitchen
6 easy steps to get a belly rub
Hi! Nice to meet you and thanks a lot for your only-for-cats web page. My name is Gremlin. I am a almost 2 years old male cat, who lives together with 2 brothers, 1 sister, and 2 humans in a tiny village 50km away from Madrid.
My mother(a wild cat)brought us through the kitchen window when we were a month old. She decided that we were to adopt these humans, their fridge, TV, computer, lap top, sofas, bed,...oh,well :-))
I have always been very interested in human behaviour and since my arrival I have improved my methods towards a proper communication of any wish I happen to have.
I enclose a picture that shows the progress achieved so far. My male human(Andrés)y very thankful and calls this "to do catting" (a verb shortly to be included in all dictionaries :-)
Here is my piece of Useful Advice:
1) Wait until your human is lying on the sofa
2) Announce yourself: "Prrr!!" and jump.
3) Make yourself at home on his legs
4) Your tummy will be stroken within 5 seconds
5) Your human is not allowed to move,fetch anything, answer the phone,etc while stroking is going on.
6) When you´ve had enough, stand up on your human´s legs, stretch nonchalantly, announce that session is over: " Prrr!" and jump down without a back glance.
easy, isn´t it? :-))
FROM: Gremlin, 02/01/08
•• This is called "to do catting"! You can learn "catting", too!
••"This is my brother Nessie being brought through the window by our Mum
How to get your human to stay indoors
My name is Domino and I am 12 weeks old. My human is Lorna. She takes good care of me, but I don’t like it when she goes outside to play. See I am an indoor cat because I don’t like the 'great' outdoors…
The best thing to do is destroy her shoes so she can’t leave the house!!
FROM: Domino, 01/10/08
•• Just give those shoes a good chew!
How to get your humans to take your picture: strike a pose!
hi, our names are charlotte and patches.
the beautiful long haired tuxedo is charlotte and the cool tabby/white cat is patches.
our humans, kristin and jose, saved us from our local shelter and boy are we glad to be out of there! there are so many cats there and it's nice to be living with 2 people that really love us.
anyway, we've noticed that to get a lot of attention from our humans, all we have to do is strike a pose, or sit by each other and act cute. they just snap picture after picture! we're glad to have found this site, and we will be sure to post some more pics if thats ok with all the other adorable cats!!
FROM: Charlotte & Patches, 01/08/08
•• The beautiful long haired tuxedo is charlotte and the cool tabby/white cat is patches.
Get your humans to take your picture
Hi, I'm Maya. I'm 1 year old.
I love the camera so when I want my human to take more cute pictures of me, I just put on my cool, pink jacket and - PRESTO! - out comes the camera!
FROM: Maya, 01/02/08
•• Hey i'm the coolest cat around. you mess with me, i'll mess you up!!
Teach your human
Here is a picture of what humans can learn from us. Just do as we say and take a rest. It works.
FROM: Precious, 11/22/07
•• Humans, listen up - and learn from us!
Suitcases!
Suitcases are ALWAYS a bad sign! They mean that the humans are leaving and some strange human comes to feed me.
To avoid this situation, I get in my momma's suitcase so I can go too! Humans don't realize that they can't leave their cute little Gus behind!
FROM: Gus, 10/15/07
•• Suitcases are ALWAYS a bad sign!
Get yourself a human!
My name is Foo, and I’m a pound kitty.
My humans Erick and Devon got me there. I love food maybe because my name is the first three letters of the word.
I share my house with Princess, who is also a pound kitty.
FROM: Foo, 09/19/07
•• Good humans are the best that can happen to a pound cat
Keep your human busy
We are Taz and Zippi, Zippi is the grey tiger Hemmingway kitty. We are aptly named and we give our dad a lot of things to clean up. We Love to enjoy the toilet paper olympics and Trampoline games when dad is sleeping. Missy is our older sister, she is on this site.
The sunshine gang from Florida.
FROM: Taz & Zippi, 08/24/07
•• We give our dad a lot of things to clean up
The "I want a bite"-look
My name is Kiani, and right now my mum is eating a delicious roast beef sandwich. I want some, and I can almost taste it.
Practise this look in front of a mirror several times a day, and when you master it to perfection, it WILL WORK!
FROM: Kiani, 08/13/07
•• Eating that right in front of me without sharing - now that is just plain mean!
An "out of bed experience"
Hi I'm Vincent.....you know the Playcat of the Year...
Anyways my human servant, Ted.....he always talks about having out of body experiences when he sleeps... well take a look..... I have out of bed experiences!!!!
FROM: Vincent, 08/07/07
•• Having an out of bed experience
Enough is enough with that camera!
Do you sometimes get tired of you human putting that camera in your face? Disturbing you with all those flashlights because she wants to make pictures and show them all over the internet? Then do like celeberty's do..... put your paw in front of your face as demonstrated by Dorus, or stick your dirty nose in the lens as demonstrated by Scooter!
Then your human will be dissapointed and put the camera away, well that is only for a little while because we cats are such great models that humans never stop taking pictures of us ;-)
FROM: Dorus & Scooter, 08/06/07
•• Put your paw in front of your face as demonstrated by Dorus...
•• ...or stick your dirty nose in the lens as demonstrated by Scooter!
A picture of me - on a picture!
Hello cat friends, I'm Binky. I've heard there are some cute kitten girls over here?
My human lady likes to put me in the weirdest places on her pictures. Okay, she buys me nice toys, but hey man, watch me sitting here, next to scanty dressed angels! Me Binky, the drummer of The Cool Cats Jazz Quintet! Yo mon, don't forget i'm cool! Good purring from Binky
FROM: Binky, 07/22/07
•• My human lady likes to put me in the weirdest places on her pictures.
The things you have to put up with : )
Our human is okay, as you can see we are prefered over the dolls. Sometimes she thinks we should be dressed like dolls too, but as long as we can play in this warm little bed it's all fine by us.
Long time ago us were given the names Milou (on the left) and Dikkie Dik. That was for only one day, then we became Red and Grey. Ah well, we can live with that.
FROM: Red & Gray, 07/22/07
This is a link to our dearest friend in cyberspace: Maukie
•• This is us, Gray and Red, "disguised" as dolls!
Train your human
We had a hard day training our humans! We like to lie around a chair each normally, so that they get nowhere to sit. Today we had overdone it and collapsed in the same one. Thankfully our sister had taken over one of the other chairs.
FROM: Mouse, Fang and Stewie, 07/21/07
•• Three tired kitties after a hard day's work, training our human
Oh, bad humans!
My name's Roxie and I'm submitting a picture to demonstrate how unkind humans can be. My pet humans, Steve & Daisy, make we work as a "living, furry napkin"!
Three times a day, I have to climb into the napkin holder just before mealtime and then they wipe their yucky mouths on me as the eat. After they're done, I have to take a bath. Actually that part isn't too bad if they had something I like, such as turkey with gravy. It's pretty nasty though if they've eaten stewed carrots or green peas.
Anyway, I'd call the ASPCA and complain, except I don't know how to dial a phone. So, instead, I just decided to send you guys an email with a photo proving what I say. Thanks for the great site. About time we cats got some long overdue respect. Love, Roxie
FROM: Roxie, 07/21/07
•• Look what my unkind humans make me do!
How to wish your human HAPPY BIRTHDAY
I think my picture says it all!
FROM: Angel, 07/20/07
•• I think my picture says it all!
Always be good to your humans
My Name is Missy. My dad got me at a shelter and I repay him back by staring at him when he is eating until he gives me part of it. I am shedding and like to clog up the sink and vacuum cleaner for my dad. I sleep with him and wake him when I am hungry or thirsty. Purrs Missy.
FROM: Missy, 07/07/07
•• The way to watch your humans; FROM ABOVE!
The perfect cat-human relationship
Hi, my name is Sissy Harman cat! I like to watch my
mom take a bath, sleep on the computer desk while my
human sister chats and sometimes I get caught with my
tongue sticking out! I am quite the character! I like
to sit pretty for my humans to take pictures of me!
FROM: Sissy Harman cat, 05/15/07
•• I know it looks funny, but you can't control your tongue, when you're sleeping.
The angry wet-cat look!
Give your Food-Provider a long and mournful stare after they attempt to give you a human bath. Stare long and hard. This may get you treats and new toys. If this does not work and the FP tries another bath, result to claws! Caution: this direct message may not get the desired results of no more human baths - there may be no new toys or treats.
FROM: Po, 05/05/07
•• IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!
Hiding from your human
I am Angelo.
Being a Persian cat i need to be groomed everyday.
Most of the times i think it's ok because my hairs are so long that i can't
groom it myself everyday, my tongue would get blisters from all that licking.
But when you have a day when you don't want to be combed,
go and hide underneeth the pillows!
And also very handy, hide the combs too!
FROM: Angelo, 04/09/07
PS:
My human's name is Angel
and we have our own website, Angel & Kitties
•• When you're not in the mood for grooming... RUN AND HIDE!
Getting your human's attention
If you want your human to notice you and pay some attention to you...
you should lay down on a spot where she can't ignore you,
like on the stairs, demonstrated here by me, Scooter.
By the way, this is an old picture because we have moved to another appartment where there are no stairs, so we need to think of another place to be in our humans way
;-)
FROM: Scooter, 04/09/07
PS:
My human's name is Angel
and we have our own website, Angel & Kitties
•• The stairs are an excellent place to position yourself, when you want your human's attention.
Show your human what you dream about
Mouse Dreams! Gertie cat shows us what cats REALLY dream about.
"You were always on my mind, you were always on my mind..."
(Credit for song lyric- Willie Nelson)
Cats are among the smartest domestic animals, that's no secret. However, SOME humans take this a little too far! So, if your human tries to get you to create an Excel spreadsheet, Eddie cat advises hiding in a cubby hole until the crisis is passed.
Reach for the table cloth and PULL! The more there is on the table, the more efficient this technique is.
FROM: Kat Emil, 04/06/07
•• Get a good grip AND PULL!
Preventing your human from wasting valuable time
One of the most important tasks we cats have is to prevent humans from wasting their time. Humans love to spend their time on things with no relevance for cats. For example watching TV, reading, talking on the phone - and many other things that have no entertainment value for us cats what so ever.
Many methods are available to prevent human time waste - use your imagination. Some especially effective techniques will be mentioned here.
FROM: Sonny & Cher, 03/16/07
•• Hiding your human's shoes will prevent him or her from going ANYWHERE to waste valuable time!
Preventing your human from wasting valuable time: Watching TV
Make sure that you always position yourself between the TV and your human. On the coffee table for example. You can also lie on the TV and let you tail or paws swing down in front of the screen. This method is most effective with small screens where you can cover a large percentage of the screen. It is a bit trickier with a flat screen - and only recommended for the agile kitty.
A variation can be used with a computer screen. Flat screens often leave a lot of empty space on the desk - so just get up in front - remind your human of how wonderful you are.
FROM: Cher, 03/16/07
•• Make sure that you always position yourself between the TV and your human. On the coffee table for example. The closer to the TV you can place yourself, the more of the screen you will cover!
Preventing your human from wasting valuable time: Cleaning
Stalk the vacuum cleaner and attack when it passes by. You can also pretend that you want to attack the vacuum cleaner but "accidentally" catch a foot instead.
FROM: Sonny & Cher, 03/16/07
•• Pretend to "help" when your human is cleaning the fridge.
Preventing your human from wasting valuable time: Garden work
Jump repeatedly up-and-down and scatter any leaves that your human has raked together. Attack gardening tools - especially while they are in use. Immediately dig up any newly planted seeds, plants and flowers.
FROM: Sonny & Cher, 03/16/07
•• Occupying the watering can is an excellent way of disturbing your human's gardening work.
Preventing your human from wasting valuable time: Cooking
When you're human is in the kitchen, but NOT preparing food for you, it's a total waste of your human's time. Try sneaking some of your toys in their food, when they aren't watching.
FROM: Sonny, 03/16/07
•• Try hiding one of your toy mice in the potatos.
Entertaining your human: The Litter Box
The litter box provides a great opportunity for entertaining your human.
Naturally there is all the fun your human can have cleaning and scooping out the box. A lot of human time can also be used getting fresh litter - going to the pet store, transporting it home etc. However many humans like new challenges.
Utilize your litter box time in the best possible way. Make interesting and artistic renderings of countries or well-known islands. Your human will have lots of fun guessing which one you made. Humans like game shows - so this should be a popular activity.
When your human increases in skill, you can also make portraits of family and friends. Start with profile portraits - this will make it easer for your human.
FROM: Sonny & Cher, 03/16/07
•• Here we are, admiring our work of art! Sonny did a Danish island called "Langeland" and Cher did her cat litter version of Alfred Hitchcock. Our human guessed Langeland, but not Hitchcock!
Sleeping time ...yours and your human's!
It is important for us cats to prioritize our sleeping time. The objective is to get as much sleep done as possible while your human is awake. You will then be especially well rested and bushy-tailed at night when it is your job to keep your human awake.
There is the classical "play with toes" approach: attack everything that moves under the duvet. You can also reenact highlights from last year's Grand National Steeplechase by repeatedly galloping across the bed. A couple of loud meows will give it an extra exiting dimension for your human.
FROM: Cher, 03/16/07
•• I usually spend a few hours every night experimenting with styling my human's hair. This is one of the more interesting hairdos, I think! As you can see, she doesn't really appreciate my efforts.
Human houseguests
Houseguests require special attention and handling. The following procedures should be followed:
Houseguests that either do not like us or are allergic to us: As soon as they sit down - jump onto their lap.
Noisy children that run after you and/or pull your tail: It is your duty to punish them - it can be necessary to use both claws and teeth. However, be prepared that this can result in noise that is even more annoying and of an even louder decibel level.
Guests that try to get in contact with you by ingratiating themselves and speaking in a sweet voice: Should just be ignored. If they try to approach you, back away 5-6 feet – but never further away than they feel encouraged to try again. With a bit of practice this game can he kept going for hours.
FROM: Sonny, 03/16/07
•• Another excellent technique is to follow the guest to the bathroom. At first you just pretend that there is something VERY interesting on the ceiling, and the second the guest sits down on the toilet (wait till you hear a sound!), you run for the door in panic. Remember to turn around a couple of times to watch the expression on the guest's face. IRRITATION is a mild word for it! This can be extremely entertaining for YOU!
Training your human
Sometimes it can be necessary to discipline even the most well trained human. However, do remember never to hit a human. At the most, mark with a soft paw on the human's arm or hands.
Try first to make your human understand what it has done wrong. And most importantly: be patient! The human intellect is relatively limited and it can be difficult for them to understand our wishes and needs.
Even after approximately 5000 years of domestication, the human species still has primitive instincts and it does take time to train your human completely.
FROM: Sonny, 03/16/07
•• PLEASE NOTE! This is actually a HOW-NOT-TO picture. You should never scratch or bite your human to discipline it. I just couldn't resist : ) ...well, I was only a kitten!
Door training your human
One of the first things you need to teach your human is to open the front door, the garden door and backdoor when required. This is done by walking up to a door and making an impatient and very loud meow. Make some tripping steps with your back paws obviously indicating that you need to go to the outdoor litter box.
When your human has gotten up from the couch and opened the door you decide that you do not really need to go outside right now.
Just for appearances, you can stand in the open door and pretend that you are thinking about the situation for a few seconds before you turn around to go inside again.
Repeat this procedure several times a day. This will keep your human in good door opening form.
FROM: Sonny & Cher, 03/16/07
••Teaching your human to open the door for you can be a tedious task. This is an old picture - can you see how small we are? Well, our efforts have paid off; our human will open the door for us on demand now.
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